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10 ways to fit in as a Londoner

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Whether you’re a Londoner, or a visitor with a need be accepted, this list will help to train you in the ways of everything that is London so that you’ll fit in with all of the other tossers here to a tee.

1. Own the escalators

Londoners own the escalators. Screw everyone else who wants to get past, you own this. You are standing here, unless you know, someone is in front of you – in which case everybody else better get a-moving! Bonus points earned for tutting at others for standing on the wrong side of the stairs before shoving past on the 5 second long journey.
London escalator

2. Barge on to the tube

Must get on, must get on. Push, shove, squeeze, You’re on, yes! Now if only those idiots in front of you would hurry up and get off…
london tube, credit The Guardian

3. Be hipster

Pft, no you don’t live in a normal flat or house. You live in a converted warehouse that used to be a meat packing factory. A flat? Geez! What is this, 2015? Now perhaps it’s time to go and use that mustache cream that you got for your 35th birthday from your Mum.
hipster in london

4. Turn your nose at the elderly

That old lady is struggling with her suitcase up the stairs. How embarrassing. If you were that old you’d just stay inside eating baked beans and watch QVC, right?
granddad

5. Never make small talk

Londoners hate people. There’s no chance that anyone on your train have ever even heard of Gigi Hadid. Bloody posers… right, and don’t forget to get some swipes in on Tinder.
small talk

6. Leave bags on the tube

Oh woops, people can be so forgetful, aren’t you just a bucket-full of fun?! If the police do anything to your bag this time though you can take them to small claims court.
london bag

7. Rush, like you’ve never rushed before

Today has been a drag. The cat is waiting at home, you need to get home as quickly as possible else the world might end. Get out of the way you stupid tourist! Don’t you know people have somewhere important to be?
rushing minions

8. Escape the city… and then complain

Ahh, just what you needed. A break from the hustle and bustle of the London streets. This little place in Thailand will be amazing, you can travel around and experience life, and – what, there’s no wi-fi?!? How are you going to have a good time now?
miserable karl pilkington

9. Declare everyone north of the M25 northern

They took our jerrrbs… well our benefits, at least. Bloody Northerners.
northeners to london

10. Be miserable

No! Don’t do it! How dare you smile and be happy, whilst us Londoners are used to our daily commute to-and-from the daily 9-6. Rah!
grumpy cat london

Written, despairingly, by a Londoner.

If you have any more ways to fit in as a Londoner, make sure to comment below…

Craig

The owner of The Culture Mag. I love alternative music, films that make me think, oh and anything to do with food!

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